I also always, always find a way to [...]]]> I’m someone who really enjoys puttering around with home improvement.  I have a powerful drill and I enjoy using it to put holes in things.  I feel a sense of competence when I hang a shelf or a towel bar, or build something useful out of scrap materials.

I also always, always find a way to screw up my project at some point.

The fact is that having ADHD and dysclaculia is not a recipe for smooth sailing in this department.  ”Measure once, cut twice” is not something that works when you measure twice, get two measurements, so you measure again, and get a third measurement that’s completely different than the first two, so you measure again … and you wind up splitting the difference between the two measurements where there were the largest cluster of results, and it turns out to be wrong.

Last week I had an adventure where measuring didn’t even enter into it.

I was building a folding screen to hide the cat box.  To make a long story short, my house is rather odd, and the only decent place to put the litter box is right by the front door.  I feel it’s slightly tacky for the cat box to be the first thing guests see when they arrive.  So I got a few window shutters and made a screen.  But my ADD, as always, caused an amusing screw up.

A folding screen, of course, requires sets of hinges in between each panel.  By swinging the panels on their hinges, you can arrange the screen to fold folike an accordion.  You can make it longer or shorter, or even fold it around whatever you want it to.  Clever arrangement, don’t you think?

I was on the home stretch of this project last week.  I’d painted all the shutters pretty colors.  The only thing left was to attach them.  I had an hour before I was supposed to meet a friend, and I wanted to get as much work done as I could in that hour.  I happily made little marks through the holes of the hinges where I’d need to put in the screws.  I happily drilled little holes in the sides of my panels, and attaching hinges with finishing screws (have I mentioned that I enjoy playing with power tools?).   I happily attached the hinges onto two panels, and was quite proud of myself when the panels obediently folded as they should, and stood up when I unfolded them.  Yay!

Then I went about the second set of hinges.  As I finished up, I reflected that I’d gotten two thirds of the way through my project without screwing up.  Only one more set of hinges to go!  I told myself it was because the project didn’t involve a lot of measuring.

I set my folding screen on the ground, expecting my three panels to unfold and stand proud.  But no.  They weren’t unfolding at all! What could be wrong?  Were the hinges on too tight somehow?  I loosened the screws.  No result.  The shutters were still stuck fast.  I loosened the screws some more.  Then some more.  A little bit of movement, but still no unfolding.

After several minutes of this, I finally noticed that I was not working with a third panel. I only had two.  That’s right, I attached the second set of hinges on the other side of the two panels I had just hinged.  I had fastened my screen shut.

Before I met my friend, I had just enough time to remove the hinges and put my tools away.

The moral of the story is, when you have ADD, don’t rush yourself.  I had plenty of time to finish my screen.  I didn’t need to get it done in that hour before I met my friend (thank the gods!).  But I rushed myself, making it more likely that I’d overlook something important —  such as the number of panels that I was working with.

Anyway.  Anniversaries are occasions to stop and reflect on what you’ve accomplished and what remains to be [...]]]> The Americans with Disabilities Act was passed on this day in 1980.  I think it was 1980; everyone’s saying that it’s “21 years old and leaving me to do the math.  As a dyscalculic, this often leads to trouble.

Anyway.  Anniversaries are occasions to stop and reflect on what you’ve accomplished and what remains to be done.  In terms of accomplishments, there are many.  Wheelchair accessibility is a big one here.  As Dr Ruth Webb describes in her autobiography, people in chairs were simply not expected to live independent lives.  Webb, who has cerebral palsy, was determined to live a full life.  She went to college, and even got a PhD, in spite of being told that it would be bad for her to become “overeducated”.

As she went about her education, and her career, wheelchair access, was a constant concern.  Even if she could fit her chair through the door, she sometimes had trouble getting someone to hold it for her as she went through it.  For many people, someone with a disability was less than a person; they were expected to stay home, have their families care for them, and make do with dependency.

This post from one of the alternative local dailies covers some of the things that we still need to work on.  People with disabilities are still unemployed and underemployed in larger numbers than the non-disabled.  The author also makes the point that advances in technology do not always include universal access.  Many websites are designed without considering the needs of users with disabilities — and with the current level of technology, there’s no excuse for this.

It’s not as dramatic as a manic episode or a schizophrenic break.  When psychosis happens with depressive disorders, as with anxiety or OCD, the subject (that would be me) is aware that what’s happening isn’t real.  In my case, I had paranoid delusions about my [...]]]>
Yeah.  Turns out, it can happen.  And it happened to me.

It’s not as dramatic as a manic episode or a schizophrenic break.  When psychosis happens with depressive disorders, as with anxiety or OCD, the subject (that would be me) is aware that what’s happening isn’t real.  In my case, I had paranoid delusions about my microwave cabinet, and had to cover it in aluminum foil to keep it from eating all the photons.  Aluminum foil.  Seriously.

Which brings me to the next interesting detail about my experience: it was, essentially, a seasonal affective psychosis.  Those of you in the Bay Area know that our weather in 2010 was completely crappy.  The nice, sunny weather that we can usually count on in April and May simply wasn’t there — the rain continued into June, at which point the fog rolled in, keeping the world cold and gloomy through September.  We had a few nice days in October, and by November, the rain had started again.

My Seasonal Affective Disorder requires me to get a nice, bright Spring under my belt.  If I have several weeks of sunshine, my mood and my ability to focus will be ensured for the rest of the year.  Last year, when the weather continued to suck through May, I was concerned about what its effects on me would be.  I knew it would make my ADD worse, and I knew it would make my mood worse.  But I thought I could handle it.  Never in a million years did I think that before the year was out I’d be covering things in foil.

I’d always thought of psychosis as a complete break with reality.  If I’d known that you can have delusions while knowing that they’re delusions, I would have realized much sooner that something was wrong.  Weeks before I was terrorized by my microwave cabinet, I was needing to have every light in the house on at night — because rooms where the lights were on “weighed more” than the dark rooms, and the house would overbalance, causing darkness to billow into throughout the house, devouring photons and casting me into the abyss.  Or something.

But I knew this was nonsense.  In fact, I know that photons are massless particles, which means they don’t weigh anything, which means they can’t “weigh more” than darkness.  I also know, from my work as an artist, that dark colors are generally perceived as “weightier” or “more massive” than light ones.  So there I was, perceiving massless photons as weighing more darkness; but since I knew it was crazy, I was OK, right?

Nope.

When I saw my doctor after the foil incident, and explained what had been happening, he was “very concerned”.  The word “psychotic” came up a few times.  Then the word “antipsychotic”, as in “antipsychotic medication”.  I got a prescription for Abilify, and was told to go home, and get a sunlamp.  Right.  Now.

So I did.  The sunlamp caused immediate improvement.  UPS dropped it off at 10 am, and I used it for half an hour before leaving for a physical therapy appointment.  I found it was much easier to focus on conversations with other people than it had been for weeks.

The Abilify also helped.  My mood, which had been OK during the day, and then downright horrible between the hours of 5 and 9 pm, started to smooth out.  Evenings became tolerable.  I no longer felt like a character in a Bergman film.

The higher levels of Zoloft made me more anxious, and messed with my cognition.  After I left my keys in the front door — which is at street level, in a not-so-great neighborhood of San Francisco, mind you — I decided it was time to do what my doctor had been wanting me to do for some time, and switch antidepressants.

That process went much better than I was expecting.  I was switched from 50 mg of Zoloft to 5 mg of Lexapro.  The transition was pretty seamless; my anxiety improved, my mood stabilized, and I didn’t have any of the somnolence or anxiety or cognitive problems the Zoloft caused.

Meanwhile, the days have been getting longer, and I’m getting better.

The lesson that I take from this is that I need to take better care of myself.  I can’t act like I’m neurotypical, and can weather the same stresses other people weather.  I need to control my exposure to stress and I need to monitor my mood carefully.  If my mood starts to slip, I can’t just “tough it out”.

If I try to do so, it will end badly.  Psychotic episodes in depression are often a precursor to severe, treatment resistant depression — the kind where you can’t get out of bed and care for yourself.  Obviously, that’s the last place I want to end up.

If you’d like to learn more, I’ve written about the experience here.

Teresa Lewis, a woman with developmental disabilities and dependent personality disorder, is scheduled to die on September 23rd.

Teresa Lewis was convicted of taking part in the murder of her husband and stepson in 2002.  The other two people convicted in the case, the men who planned and [...]]]>

Teresa Lewis, a developmentally disabled adult facing execution

Teresa Lewis, a woman with developmental disabilities and dependent personality disorder, is scheduled to die on September 23rd.

Teresa Lewis was convicted of taking part in the murder of her husband and stepson in 2002.  The other two people convicted in the case, the men who planned and carried out the murder, received life in prison.  Their lawyers cut a deal with prosecutors, and they set Lewis up to take the fall.  She is condemned to death for “planning” the murders — even though, with an IQ of 72, she lacks the capacity to create and enact a complex “murder for hire” plan.  Lewis’ actual role in the killings was to leave the trailer door unlocked so that the shooters could gain access.

In addition to her developmental disorders, Teresa Lewis has chronic physical conditions that leave her in constant pain.  She was prescribed painkillers for this condition, and at the time of the murders had become addicted to them.  This condition further diminished her judgment.

Mrs. Lewis knows that her role in the killings was wrong, and feels incredible remorse for her actions.  She did not plan or execute the murders; the men who did received life in prison.  On those grounds alone Teresa Lewis deserves no harsher sentence.  When her disabilities are taken into account, it is clear that executing her is simply inhumane.  Call the Virginia Governor’s office at 804-786-2211, or fill out this web form, to request a reprieve for Teresa Lewis.

Well, in another installment of “I wish they’d told me that a long time ago”, it turns out that SSRI’s can contribute to hyponatremia, a potentially dangerous condition in which your body doesn’t have enough sodium to regulate the water in your cells.

It is believed that SSRI’s might contribute to at least mild hyponatremia in [...]]]>

Well, in another installment of “I wish they’d told me that a long time ago”, it turns out that SSRI’s can contribute to hyponatremia, a potentially dangerous condition in which your body doesn’t have enough sodium to regulate the water in your cells.

It is believed that SSRI’s might contribute to at least mild hyponatremia in up to 30% of patients taking these medications.   Symptoms of hyponatremia are nausea and vomiting, headache, confusion, lethargy, fatigue, appetite loss, restlessness and irritability, muscle weakness, spasms or cramps, seizures, and decreased consciousness or coma.  SSRI-related hyponatremia is more common in women and the elderly than in the general population.

Now I’m not unconscious or throwing up, but I have been having some unusual issues with my muscles lately.  I’ve been incredibly tight, and no amount of stretching seems to help.  In fact, I pulled my hamstring last weekend while gently easing into a yoga pose that is usually pretty easy for me.  Coincidentally, just last week, my doctor doubled the dosage on the SSRIs that I take.

To make a long story short, other than serious organic illness, my “lifestyle” embodies many potential causes of hyponatremia:

• I take SSRI’s, which in addition to being potentially diuretic, also make me thirsty, so I drink a lot of water.
• I’m on ADHD meds, which also cause dehydration.
• I’ve been taking a lot of asthma and decongestant medication to deal with a bad allergy season
• My diet low in sodium, because I’m a vegetarian who eats no processed foods.
• Since I’m thirsty, I consume a lot of water while exercising.
• I drink alcohol.

As for that last one, you’re supposed to be careful with booze when you’re on the meds I’m on.  I know that.  I’ve known it for years.  I’ve been naughty.  But it’s been a rough summer, and I’ve been self-medicating.  I clearly need to stop doing that.

Since hyponatremia (if that is what I have) can indicate a serious organic illness, I’m going to the doctor on Monday to make sure it all checks out.  In the meantime, I’ve spent the last couple hours drinking miso soup and coconut juice to try and restore my electrolytes.  I already feel better.  And if you’re on SSRI’s, be aware that hyponatremia is a possibility, and discuss any symptoms with your doctor.

Yeah … about [...]]]> So much for my job.  It turned out that the company I went to work for hired me too soon, and the work they were expecting to come through failed to materialize, and my position will not exist in its current form once my boss get back into town.

Yeah … about that last bit.

This all came down Monday evening after I’d come home from work.  I was already stressed because our landlords were having our home reappraised, and that meant I had to spend all weekend cleaning the yard (because I failed to keep it up after I did it the last time, like I said I would), and I hadn’t had time to clean the place because I’d been working, and there was a stranger in my house taking pictures of it.  But the whole process was actually pretty painless, and afterward I checked my email and voice mail.  Out of the blue, there was a message from my boss saying that he’d “just gotten a phone call” and it meant he’d “be out of town for a few weeks” and he wasn’t sure when he’d get back, but since he wasn’t done training me there was no point in me coming to work until his return.

WHAAAAAAAA?????????

When I finally got a hold of him the next day, he talked about “reevaluating how we could best to work together” when he got back, but since that would be at least two weeks from now and possibly a month, dealing with a sudden “personal issue”, but he knew that I had “a bunch of other things going on” and would “totally understand” if I “took another opportunity”.  I asked if there was a problem with my performance, and he said no.  Since he seemed to be calling me from a freeway rest stop, based on the background noise, I decided it was pointless to try and get any more information out of him.  The phone call ended with me having no idea whether my job still existed, and whether my boss actually wanted me in it if it did.

I emailed the CEO (the other person besides my boss who worked in the office) and told him I had some questions about my job.  It took until today to connect with him, but when I asked him whether my job still existed, he at least was direct.  He honestly doesn’t know.  He admitted they’d made a big mistake, and apologized for the disruption he’d caused in my life.  There will be some sort of job when my boss gets back but it won’t be full-time work anytime soon.

Pretty much every job I’ve ever had has ended badly, if not disastrously.  I’ve been fired for disclosing my disabilities, I’ve joined workplaces right before the owner decides to shut them down, and my last employer went bankrupt and still technically owes me $1000 in back pay (and I got off easy compared to some of my colleagues).  I’ve begun to feel like any organization that hires me has something horribly, seriously wrong with it, and it’s only a matter of time before any job I take will blow up in my face.

For that reason, it meant a lot for the CEO of this company to own his mistake.  It helps me believe that this is not somehow my fault — I took the job in good faith; they were the ones who screwed up.  It also meant a lot for him to apologize for doing this to me.

My boss, on the other hand, did none of those things.  He apologized for telling me this “in such an impersonal way” (via phone and email) but never apologized for the substance of what he was saying — which was THAT I NO LONGER HAD A DAMN JOB.  But then, he never even told me that much; it was all about “reevaluating how we could best work together”.  I’d call it passive-aggressive, but that gives it too much spine.

Oddly, as I prepared for the mortgage appraiser, I’d been ruminating on how to have a conversation with him about what I felt were problems in our communication.  The way he handled this whole matter indicates that he’s too conflict-shy to have the capacity for that conversation, let alone to address substantive communication issues.  If I’ve learned one thing in my life, it’s that people like that do more damage than anyone else in the world, save for actual sociopaths.  I’m well shot of him.

But now I find myself, once again, disabled and on the job market, scrolling through listings that call for people who can do “light bookkeeping”, have “excellent math skills”, or are “proficient in Excel”.  *sigh*

I can’t quite believe it.  I just landed a real live grown-up office job.  The first such job I’ve ever had in my life.

I start tomorrow.

The job involves customer training and support, so it builds on skills I already [...]]]>

Former College Professor Charles Boas Putting on Makeup For New Job as a Circus Clown

I can’t quite believe it.  I just landed a real live grown-up office job.  The first such job I’ve ever had in my life.

I start tomorrow.

The job involves customer training and support, so it builds on skills I already have from my many years of teaching and customer service.  Intellectually, I know I can do the work.

Emotionally, however, I’m panicking.  I feel sure that somehow, I just won’t be able to hack it.  That I don’t have what it takes to do the work.  Or that all my efforts over the past couple of years to contain my ADHD will suddenly evaporate, and I’ll become horribly disorganized again, and get fired.  Or maybe they’ll find out I can’t do math (which is not involved in my job in any way) and fire me for that.  In any event, something has to be seriously wrong with this company, because they hired me, right?

The worst part about the last thought is that I can’t even tell myself it’s completely irrational. I have a history of choosing the wrong places to work.  There was the job where my boss lost interest in the company (she was the owner) and stopped coming into work herself — though I was still expected to read her mind when she had her sudden fits of industriousness.  There was the place that ran out of money and just stopped paying its employees.  And then, of course, there were all the jobs where the work environment was exploitative or outright abusive.

I’m trying to stay calm.  Just because I fear these things does not mean they will come to pass.  I’m also reminding myself why I applied for this job in the first place: it’s a small company that offers an innovative product for which there is a need.  Moreover, I understand the need for the product, and I understand the product’s customer base.  The fact that the company is small means that each employee is in a position to influence its direction moving forward.  Finally, the job itself draws upon my skills and strengths — I’ll be using my ability to break a concept down and explain it in clear language.  For the first time in my life, I’m looking at a steady job that engages my mind.

Wish me luck.

The Americans with Disabilities Act turns 20 today!

Thanks to the ADA, Americans with disabilities enjoy better access to buildings, transportation, telecommunication, employment, and education. It paved the way for IDEA, the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, which enabled me to graduate from college.  There’s still a long way to go before we as a society [...]]]>

The Americans with Disabilities Act turns 20 today!

Thanks to the ADA, Americans with disabilities enjoy better access to buildings, transportation, telecommunication, employment, and education. It paved the way for IDEA, the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, which enabled me to graduate from college.  There’s still a long way to go before we as a society achieve the four goals of the ADA –  equality of opportunity, full participation, independent living, and economic self-sufficiency — but it’s clear we’ve come a long way.

I’d like to point out, however, that the improved access that has resulted from the ADA doesn’t only benefit “disabled” people.  Curb cuts are just one example of this.  Curb cuts, those gently sloped cut-aways between the sidewalk and the street, are required by the ADA to enable wheelchair users to easily cross the street like the rest of us do.

The thing is, wheelchair users are not the only people who use curb cuts.  Have you ever crossed the street with a piece of wheeled luggage?  With a stroller?  How about on a bike or a skateboard?

If the answer to any of those questions is “yes”, then your life has been made just a little bit easier by the ADA.

In honor of the 20th anniversary of the ADA, Representative Jim Langevin of Rhode Island is presiding over Congress today.  Langevin is the first quadriplegic to be elected to Congress.

For a discussion of what we’ve accomplished with the ADA so far, and what remains to be done, check out this online discussion at the Washington Post, where Andrew J. Imparato of the American Association for People with Disabilities fields questions about the ADA’s history and its future.

She’s a post-doc in neuroscience, and she has posted in the past about various psychoactive medications and how they work.    She writes about the two major classes of ADHD drugs, [...]]]> I’ve been reading blogging by Scicurious (formerly of Neurotopia at Science Blogs, now at a blog called either “Neurotic Psychology” or “Scicurious”, I’m not sure which.

She’s a post-doc in neuroscience, and she has posted in the past about various psychoactive medications and how they work.    She writes about the two major classes of ADHD drugs, Amphetamine, and Methylphenidate, as well as SSRI’s.  If you’re on any of these meds you should check out her posts.